135 Funny Love Quotes and Sayings From the Heart

funny love quotes from the heart

We all need a little laughter in our lives now and again, which is why funny love quotes and sayings are proving so incredibly popular with the online/social networking communities as of late. People say that laughter is the best medicine and they could quite very well be right.

Funny love quotes have the ability to make us smile, to make us giggle, to make us laugh, and to even break down into hysterics of laughter with tears streaming down our faces. Laughter brings people together, heals pains both real and imagined, and makes the world a more positive place to live.  Share these collection of hilarious and humorous funny love quotes with your loved one and have a day to remember.

135 Funny Love Quotes and Sayings From the Heart

 

  1. If you want peace in the house, do what your wife wants. African proverb

  2. An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

  3. I was married for nine years. Eight of those years were very passionate. But… well, passion’s a mild word for it, really. It’s… well, it was more like war. Alan Bates – An Unmarried Woman (film)

  4. If you want to read about love and marriage you’ve got to buy two separate books. Alan King

  5. Bed, as the Italian proverb succinctly puts it, is the poor man’s opera. Aldous Huxley

  6. So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three. Alexandre Dumas

  7. Law and love are the same; romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection. Ally McBeal

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  8. Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce

  9. Love at first sight is cured by the second look. American proverb

  10. In literature as in love we are astonished at what is chosen by others. Andre Maurois

  11. A man who is honest with himself wants a woman to be soft and feminine, careful of what she’s saying and talk like a man. Ann-Margret

  12. If women didn’t exist all the money in the world would have no meaning. Aristotle Onassis

  13. In their hearts women think that it is men’s business to earn money and theirs to spend it. Arthur Schopenhauer

  14. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin

  15. When men and women die as poets sung, His heart’s the last part moved, her last, the tongue. Benjamin Franklin

  16. Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. Benjamin Franklin Pierce

  17. I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought maybe it was just an inner-ear imbalance. Benton Fraser

  18. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal

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  19. A woman is like a dresser, some man always goin’ through her drawers. Blues song

  20. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. Brendan Behan

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  21. Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kinda like being the guy on a date. Caroline Rhea

  22. Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. Charlie Brown

  23. Sex, the poor man’s polo. Clifford Odets

  24. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

  25. No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves. Edgar Watson Howe

  26. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Edith Ann

  27. Lovers are fools, but Nature makes them so. Elbert Hubbard

  28. Faults are thick where love is thin. English proverb

  29. True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. Erich Segal

  30. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck

  31. Love is something that hangs up behind the bathroom door and smells of Lysol. Ernest Hemmingway

  32. In love women are professionals, men are amateurs. Francois Truffaut

  33. Love lasts about seven years. That’s how long it takes for the cells of the body to totally replace themselves. Francoise Sagan

  34. There are a great many ways of proposing. All of them are good. In fact, experience teaches that unless you are very careless in the way you propose, you are in positive danger of being accepted. Frank Richardson

  35. Love and smoke cannot behidden. French proverb

  36. One lover, that is love; two lovers, that is passion; three lovers, that is commerce. French proverb

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  37. What they call “heart” is located far lower than the fourth waistcoat button. George Lichtenberg

  38. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

  39. Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does. Groucho Marx

  40. Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put “Emily I love you” on the back of the bill. Groucho Marx – (A Day at the Races film.)

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  41. Love is based upon a view of women that is impossible to any man who has had any experience of them. H. L. Mencken

  42. A man in love is like a clipped coupon: it’s time to cash in. Mae West

  43. You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back in. Heathcote Williams

  44. In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued. Helen Rowland

  45. Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest. Helen Rowland

  46. When two people decided to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to. Helen Rowland

  47. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman

  48. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution. Mae West

  49. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds. Hugh Elliott

  50. A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous. Ingrid Bergmen

  51. Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes. Jackie Onassis

  52. Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. Jayne Mansfield


  53. Oh, love is real enough; you will find it someday, but it has one archenemy — and that is life. Jean Anouilh

  54. Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. Also like the measles we take it only once. Jerome K. Jerome

  55. The working classes have a reputation for potency and being good in bed, a myth probably started by middle-class novelists and by graphologists who claim that anyone with loopy writing must be highly sexed. Jilly Cooper

  56. I need sex for a clear complexion, but I’d rather do it for love. Joan Crawford

  57. In the race for love, I was scratched. Joan Davis

  58. Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of squishing noises. It shows your mind isn’t clicking right. Johnny Rotten

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  59. I have to find a girl attractive or it’s like trying to start a car without the ignition key. Jonathan Aitken


  60. Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it. Josh Billings

  61. In love there are two things: bodies and words. Joyce Carol Oates

  62. My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one. Groucho Marx

  63. “The whole world loves a lover” is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense. Keith Sullivan

  64. It goes far towards reconciling me to being a woman when I reflect I am thus in no danger of marrying one. Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

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  65. A girl can’t analyze marriage, and a woman… daren’t. Lady Troubridge

  66. Love is like pi – natural irrational and very important. Lisa Hoffman

  67. The only people who make love all the time are liars. Louis Jourdan – Gigi (film)

  68. I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it. Lyndon B Johnson

  69. Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn’t they would be married too. H. L. Mencken

  70. I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them. Mae West

  71. I never loved another person the way I loved myself. Mae West

  72. Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache. Mae West

  73. You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. Henny Youngman

  74. It is also possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. Maimie Van Doren

  75. A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking. Malcolm de Chazal

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  76. It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a very unfortunate place to have it. Malcolm Muggeridge

  77. Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. Marcel Achard

  78. One doesn’t die from love. Sometimes one dies from another’s love when he buys a revolver. Marcel Pagnol

  79. We don’t believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. Marie von E. Eschenbach


  80. How do you know love is gone? If you said that you would be there at seven and you get there by nine, and he or she has not called the police; it’s gone. Marlene Dietrich

  81. The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs. Marlene Dietrich

  82. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman! Maryon Pearson (wife of The Canadian PM)

  83. You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. Melanie Clark

  84. When you are in love with someone you want to be near him all the time, except when you are out buying things and charging them to him. Miss Piggy

  85. Marry a stupid woman, it will stop you looking stupid yourself. Moliere Married and unmarried women waste a lot of time feeling sorry for each other. Myrtle Reed

  86. Love never dies of starvation, but often of indegestion. Ninon de L’enclos

  87. If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry. O. Henry

  88. It takes a man a lifetime to find out about one, particular woman. But if he puts in, say, ten years, industrious and curious, he can acquire the general rudiments of the sex. O. Henry

  89. Man has his will, but woman has her way. Oliver Wendell Holmes

  90. The ideal man… he should always say much more than he means, and always mean much more than he says. Oscar Wilde

  91. All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his. Oscar Wilde

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  92. I guess walking slow getting married is because it gives you time to maybe change your mind. Virginia Hudson

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  93. In order to be happy in wedlock, you must be a man of genius married to an affectionate and intellectual woman, or by a chance which is not as common as might be supposed, you must both of you be exceedingly stupid. Honore de Balzac

  94. The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water. Not before or after, but instead. Pakistani delegate – International Planned Parenthood Federation conference

  95. The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one need not grieve over having an ugly one back home. Paul Leautaud

  96. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

  97. Women are not men’s equals in anything except responsibility. We are not their inferiors either, or even their superiors. We are quite simply a different race. Phyllis McGinley

  98. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner

  99. When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner

  100. One reason people get divorced is that they run out of ideas. Robert Byrne

  101. In my callow youth, I was badly scratched several times before I learned that if there is one thing no girl wants to be called it is wholesome. Robertson Davies

  102. A woman whose dresses are made in Paris and whose marriage has been made in heaven might be equally biased for and against free imports. Saki

  103. Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. Shelley Winters

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  104. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got. Sophia Loren

  105. To tell a woman what she may not do is to tell her what she can. Spanish proverb

  106. Many a man in love with a dimple makes a mistake of marrying the whole girl. Stephen Leacock

  107. There are two things no man will admit he can’t do well; drive and make love. Stirling Moss

  108. To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. Toasts for All Occasions

  109. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Unknown Author

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  110. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. Unknown Author

  111. When I told my missis once I should never dream of being jealous of her, instead of up and thanking me for it, she spoilt the best frying pan we ever had. W. W. Jacobs

  112. Love lasteth long as the money endureth. William Caxton

  113. Some of the greatest love affairs I’ve known have involved one actor, unassisted. Wilson Mizner

  114. My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. Winston Churchill

  115. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. Woody Allen

  116. When the prick stands, the brains get buried in the ground. Yiddish proverb

  117. A beautiful woman who is pleasing to men is good only for frightening fish when she falls into the water. Zen proverb

  118. I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. Zsa Zsa Gabor

  119. Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man. George Jean Nathan

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  120. Romance: Once upon a time. Seldom twice. Unknown Author

  121. Marriage is a wonderful invention; then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. Billy Connolly

  122. The reason that husbands and wives do not understand each other is because they belong to different sexes. Dorothy Dix

  123. Marriage; the conventional ending of a love affair. A lonesome state. Oliver Herford

  124. Wedding; a necessary formality before securing a divorce. Oliver Herford

  125. The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life. Oscar Wilde

  126. When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries agaiin, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck, men risk theirs. Oscar Wilde

  127. How to be happy though married. Rev. E. J. Hardy

  128. She had become so dully habituated to married life that in her full matronliness she was as sexless as an anaemic nun. Sinclair Lewis

  129. It was so cold I almost got married. Shelley Winters

  130. Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the problem of pleasing men. Some are married. Emma Lee

  131. A beautiful woman who is pleasing to men is good only for frightening fish when she falls into the water. Zen proverb

  132. I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. Zsa Zsa Gabor

  133. Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man. George Jean Nathan

  134. Romance: Once upon a time. Seldom twice. Unknown Author


  135. My wife is a sex object; every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson

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